23: New Beginnings
Hi everyone - and Happy New Year.
Have you made any resolutions? I considered it and decided I didn't need to as I feel very much 'on track' at the moment. Also, for me 'goals' don't really work as motivators - which may seem a somewhat heretical statement from a life coach. I'm not saying they don't work for anyone - I know they do and I have worked with many people on defining, working towards and achieving their goals. But , as I said in a previous Newsletter, I tend to make my decisions based on what feels like the right next thing - taking that step - seeing what happens and then making the next decision etc. And I know that there are others who do the same.
If you have made resolutions it would be good to check whether they are phrased positively - and will therefore be more motivating (eg "I want to feel more fit and healthy") or involve deprivation, giving up and are based on 'shoulds' rather than 'wants'. These latter are likely to create resistance.
However, this newsletter is not about New Year resolutions. In fact, even as I type this I am not at all sure what it will be about. Perhaps many things, perhaps linked by a common theme. But maybe not.
Some of you may have noticed that it is six months since my last newsletter, sent just before our move from the Highlands to Devon, although I have started many. There are a number of reasons why none of them ever got finished.
Partly, there has been a lot going on and I've been a bit like a kid let loose in a sweetie shop -"Oooh look! Singing groups, drumming lessons, meditation retreats just down the road".
But mainly I have been unclear what I want to write about. Coaching is a 1-1 process - driven and led by the client rather than the coach. Whereas these articles are a 1-many process - where the 'client's' (your) voice is completely unheard.
My formal coach training was as a 'Co-ActiveCoach'. Co-Active Coaching has two overall aims :
1) To 'deepen the learning' ie to help clients increase their understanding of themselves
2) To 'forward the action' ie to encourage clients to do something, and learn from what happens, and then do something else - with the doing interspersed with reflection which is where the learning happens.
And although I have tried as much as possible to include "try this" suggestions in the newsletters I'm not sure to what extent you, the recipients, do this. For me the power of coaching is that you don't sit in a chair trying to work it all out, waiting until you are 100% confident that when you do take action it will be the 'right' action, before taking any action at all. Your actions do need to be aimed in the right general direction of course - which is where values and goals come in - but a willingness to experiment and explore, in a structured and reflective way, is essential. And a lot of what 1-1 coaching offers is support in taking those actions and learning from them and maintaining momentum, rather than starting and stopping as the busyness of the life we are currently living takes over from our attempts to define and move towards the life we would like to be living.
So from now on I don't think I will be trying to 'coach' you in terms of attempting to recreate in a one-way communication something that can really only happen in a two-way communication. What will I be doing instead?
One of the concepts in Co-Active Coaching is that of 'Big A and little a' agendas. Your 'little a' agendas are more about what you want to DO (find a more interesting job, improve your relationship, set up your own business etc) whereas a 'Big A' agenda is more about who you want to BE (more fulfilled, happy, calm etc). Often, the underlying motivation for the 'little a' agendas (whether people are conscious of it or not) is a belief that achieving them will 'deliver' the 'Big A' agenda. Sometimes this happens, sometimes it doesn't.
Over the past 12 years I have become more and more convinced that mindfulness practice (both as a formal meditation practice and on a moment-by-moment basis as part of everyday life) is a powerful approach to help people achieve their Big A agenda. More and more of my clients are asking me to address mediation/mindfulness as part of their coaching - perhaps partly because it has gone 'mainstream' as an approach for helping with stress management, anxiety reduction, pain management, depression and obsessive/compulsive disorders.
A previous Article - 6 - gives a very basic introduction to 'mindfulness of breathing' and includes some additional resources such as web links and books.
Mindfulness plays a central role in the 'dharma' - the teachings of the Buddha which over the years has become increasingly important to me and informs my thinking. I particularly like the fact that I am not required to 'believe' anything and that the practices, psychology and ethics are available to people who have no religion beliefs - and also to those who belong to other religious faith traditions such as Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, or Judaism.
So - returning to the question I posed above - "What will I be doing instead" - my intention is to free myself from attempting to make everything in these newsletters fit a definition of 'coaching' by also sharing with you other perspectives, ideas, resources, quotes, etc - including more overt references to dharma teachings - that I find powerful and helpful. I also intend to include a little of the dharma teachings in each newsletter.
This time I just want to share a few suggestions from a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called "Peace is every step : The path of mindfulness in everyday life". The aim of the book is to help us to be "reminded that happiness is possible only in the present moment" and he offers many simple suggestions for reconnecting with the present moment. For example, whether or not you have a formal mindfulness meditation practice you can use the following - whether you are sitting in a traffic jam, waiting to see the dentist or about to chair a difficult meeting.
Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know that this is a wonderful moment.
A 'wonderful moment'? The dentist! A traffic jam! Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that "Peace and happiness are available in every moment".
Why smile? A number of research studies have shown that making a facial expression, such as a smile, can produce effects on the body that are similar to those that result from the actual emotion, such as happiness.
Another suggestion relates to bells. In his traditions bells are used to remind monks to come back to the present moment - and he suggests that we can use church bells in the same way. So that whenever you here a bell, or perhaps a church clock chiming, you just pause for a moment, be mindful of your breath, and maybe say to yourself :
"Listen, listen. This wonderful sound brings me back to my true self".
Again, every sound is 'wonderful'. Because it is wonderful that we are alive and that we can hear anything at all. And to act as a trigger for reminding you to reconnect to the present moment, it doesn't have to be something as beautiful as church bells - it could be the ring of a telephone or the ping when the microwave timer goes off. You can use anything to remind you to "return to yourself, breath, smile, and live fully in the present moment".
Finally, coming back to New Year's Resolutions, a quote from his web site :
"Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself - if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself - it is very difficult to take care of another person."
Will you make a resolution to nourish and take care of yourself?
Wishing you a Happy New Year, overflowing with moments of peace and joy.
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