Lawn No Mower

An amusing but thought-provoking conversation about the never-ending job of cutting the grass . . .
 

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Towns and Cities? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and worms. It's temperamental with temperatures, too. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilising grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it down - sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilise grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it down and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

GOD: Then these Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when I cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this, Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and then pay to have them taken away.

GOD: No. What do they use to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away all of the leaves, they go out in their cars to garden centres and buy something which they call 'mulch'. They carry it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us tonight?

St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie about . . .

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.