13 : It’s the Little Things that Count
I started thinking about this newsletter some weeks ago when, for various reasons, I was doing a lot of driving within about a 100 mile radius of my home. The Highlands of Scotland are beautiful at all times but when spring is turning into summer they are almost overwhelming. I have never seen so many primroses as this year and they seemed to go on forever, carpeting the floors of ancient woodlands and contrasting wonderfully with the dark purple violets at the roadside. And then the bluebells came along too. The green of the trees and the grass is so very green, interspersed with the dramatic vividness of copper beeches and the startlingly bright yellow swathes of gorse and broom. And all around the house lambs rush around in gaggles, leaping (and I don’t believe it’s just to do with trapped nerves – because often they all leap at the same time!).
These things give me huge joy and delight – and I started to think of some research I came across recently about what really makes people happy as opposed to what they think will make them happy.
The research suggests that we aren’t very efficient at predicting how we will feel as a result of certain events – whether its an event that we expect to make us very happy, such as a long-desired promotion, or an event that we believe will make us very unhappy, such as the break-up of a relationship. It’s not that these events won’t make us happy or unhappy – but we overestimate the intensity of what we will feel and we underestimate how quickly we will adapt to the changed situation. Given that the researchers also claim that almost all our decisions about what actions to take are based on our predictions about how we will feel as a result, this has quite significant implications.
To me this research doesn’t suggest that we shouldn’t set ourselves ‘big’ goals – but rather that we be more realistic about the extent of the difference their achievement would make to our future happiness.
Although the whole article was interesting, the one thing that really struck me was a quote from one of the researchers who said : “I realised that the thing that makes the most difference to my general state of happiness is not the status and prestige of being a Harvard professor – but the fact that I can walk to work from my home”. It highlighted for me a shift of focus from what else is needed to be happy (More money? Bigger house? Better holidays? Fame and Glory?!) to instead extracting the maximum happiness from what is already present in our life. Which is where the primroses and lambs etc came in.
This might sound as though I’m talking myself out of a job. Surely coaching is all about helping people to achieve ‘big goals’? Sometimes yes. But sometimes clients leave coaching saying : “It’s been very useful getting more clarity. I realise that I’m actually quite happy with my life as it is”. Often all they needed was a shift in perspective. Or some fine tuning.
It’s also not either/or. It’s great to have dreams. But if we take on board that achieving them may not make such a huge difference to how we feel, we are perhaps more likely to look for the joy and pleasure in the present as well.
What are your equivalents of ‘being able to walk to work’?
When a new client starts coaching, the first thing they do is a range of activities to get them reflecting and exploring. One of these is the Wheel of Life (see below). Clients are asked to mark on each sector of the wheel their present level of satisfaction – from 0 to 10. The question we usually then look at is : “What would need to change for you to be a 10?”.
You may want to do this too but what I am suggesting for now is that you focus instead on what’s already there rather than what is missing. For example, if you scored 6 on Career rather than asking yourself : “What needs to change for me to be a 10?” I’d like you to ask yourself : “What are the things about my career that I am happy and satisfied with that get me to a score of 6?”.
Then, perhaps, instead of looking for the big changes that might get you to a 10, you might be able to find – or create – some additional ‘little things that count’.
And now I’ve finished this I’m going to go and watch the pheasant under the bird table.
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