08.06am Am sitting at my desk just now, a headache in the background and trying to rejig things.  Read part of a chapter in my self esteem book which has its own form of thought records which I think I might follow.

Today for example, Im going to call the bank & explain that I cannot pay at the moment etc, something I have avoided doing because I dont want them to have a go at me.

09.29 Update, Just called the bank.  Dreaded doing it but thought that I should try to face things head on and not ignore them or prolong them as I normally do.  Have promised £20/wk until balance paid.  Did lie about circumstances but I dont tyhink they would have accepted the amount offered if I hadnt said that.

Will fill out thought record at lunchtime.

20.02pm Just a quickie really, Iain has popped down the pub to drop off the pool competition posters.

Not had a bad 3 days, stuck to LL until tonight.  Have had 'normal' portion of bacon & eggs and 3 lge vodka & coke zero's.  Why?  Not sure apart from the fact my resistance is low.  I have made the least harmful choices possible apart from abstaining.  Bacon & Eggs = Protein, coke zero = 0, vodka?  Not sure.

Am a tad stressed re finances, I am going to buckle down and not splurge anymore.  Its no good compensating in this way as I cant afford it.  I dont need the things I buy mostly.

Work has been better today, confronted JF re stuff Im allowed to do in Probity and said he will get RM to show me.  Did more web stuff, must remember to find out what capabilities we have, memory wise.

Feeling weary today, need to snap out of it.

17.37pm  I havent had the opportunity to write in here since Wednesday.  Work was really really busy on Thursday and I did well with my shakes and water with full intentions of sticking to LL. Once I finished work, I went and got my BP done, its normal which is a good thing.

Met Iain in the pub and had 2 small bottles of Rose', !!WTF!!  Why in gods name did I do that?  I met Laura and she drove me to the meeting.  Id emailed SK earlier in the day to let her know I had eaten a few times this week, I was happy she responded, but unimpressed by her answers, almost like she had cut and pasted it from an LL guidebook! 

Discussed it in group & felt better, went home & drunk G&T's.

Work on Friday unspectacular, finding out about Exhibition stuff, need to arrange attendance for the end of the year.

IG gave me a lift home, nice of him.  Theres much more to him than meets the eye, very interesting but weird!

Was in a weird sort of mood when I got home, almost spoiling for a fight & I dont know why?  Iain gave me burgers, suggested to Iain that we go out, I got dressed, went to the pub, ate a cheese and sausage toastie, dry roasted peanuts and got drunk.

Woke up with a major hangover today.

Im trying to work out why I am sabotaging myself like this.  Its not like Im enjoying the food particularly.  Didnt find group much help as SK very impersonal.

Went down town at 11am & bought a bunch of flowers for Laura, loads of pinks.  Ordered one for Mum for Friday, hopefully It'll make her feel good.

Got to Laura's for 12ish and had a good chat with her, I do like her but have a couple of reservations as she does tend to not hear what I say sometimes if you know what I mean?  All in all tho, it was really nice, drank 2 pints of water.

After Lauras, I went downtown, got Easter eggs, stuff to make kites with and general shopping.  Kids met me and then we went home which is where I am now.

Iain has gone off to the pub to collect his winnings (bet on horses) and then we will watch dvds.

I just feel a bit shit today is all.  I got loads of compliments last night and really enjoyed myself but I kept on hearing Iain making sarky comments or catching a look on his face that out a dampner on things.

He is a very jealous man and insecure but he doesnt see this.

I alternate between being numb or being angry/frustrated at the moment.  I am angry that I have to be doing LL, that I got myself into this state, that I cant have the foods I want etc.  Angry that I am too weak to stick to it.  Angry that my life is not how I want it to be.  I need a crystal ball or somthing, I want to know if it'll all work out, that there is an end to all this and a good one at that.

Am going to watch 'You've been framed' in the hopes it'll perk me up!

Hate being sober when Iain is pissed, it annoys me!